Throwing It All Away
by mishatippins
Summary: Castiel discovers undamaged home movies Linda had kept away in storage of Nyx. Filler for Part five of In the Lethe.


Honestly Castiel barely knew how to use a VCR. The only reason the bunker had one was because Dean refused to watch the DVD remixes of Highlander, "Too grainy and damn if the sound isn't worse," he said.

Fiddling around with the tape Castiel finally got it into the slot correctly, watching the blue screen of the tiny television they had gotten for the common room blink to black.

He had gotten the tapes from the ruins of Linda Tran' home, tucked away in a safe in the master bedroom just under a couple of rafters in the closet. He would have paid them no heed if he didn't see "Nyx" written in beautiful handwriting on the side. He figured them to be home movies, a thing Dean explained when they found a stash of tapes in the archives. He decided them to maybe be a way for him to connect with those last three years when he was gone.

Watching the static fade he watched the images with focused eyes, ignoring the grains that occasionally littered the screen from damage until the camera focused on a tiny child standing on wobbly legs.

Castiel forgot to breathe when he watched his daughter look from the camera to off screen, tiny hands gripping the leather of the living room couch, laughing before the camera followed her to Meg, who was laughing along with their child, completely ignoring Linda prompting behind the camera and utterly focused on Nyx. He watched in wonder, not expecting something so trivial to evoke something in him.

Pausing the video on their faces he sighed. It wasn't enough that he had to imagine what he missed those last three years, but seeing it hadn't made things better. He just felt worse.

"I forgot Linda made those," Meg's sudden voice made him jump and she rolled her eyes. "Some badass angel you are. All jumpy. Why are you watching those anyway? And where did you get them?"

"They were recovered from the fire, one of the few things," Castiel replied as he played the last bit of the video. Meg watched him, even going to far as to sit next to him on the couch. "I wanted…to know what I had to miss. I spent a long time imagining. It's…nice to actually know."

"What's the next one?"

Castiel shrugged. "Most of them are just labeled with her name. Some of these are either too damaged or unlabeled so I'm not sure."

"Pick one."

She heard him sigh and raise a hand, obviously not bothered to actually get up and change the videos himself.

"I thought we had an agreement Meg."

"No. We said you'd stay away from me. Didn't say anything about me bothering the fuck out of you when I'm bored."

Castiel huffed, eyes back on the screen and Meg found herself watching with him. Meg recognized the setting if not a little hazy on it. She recognized her meat suit and Nyx in her arms, Linda making noises and Nyx trying to copy her.

Castiel was completely focused on the video, head tilted and he licked his lips. There was an incredible sadness of his face, like watching this physically pained him to the point that his eyes narrowed and he rubbed at his face, as if to mask what he was seeing.

He sighed heavily, waving a hand and shutting off the television before getting up.

"What?"

"I thought this would be a good idea. It very much wasn't."

"If you knew everything you missed with her and I would you still have done what you did?"

He glared at the demon as if she slapped him in the face. "I had to keep you safe. I spent a month trying a to find a different way and I couldn't. And if I did…then no."

He was angry now and see could see why. But she kept her wall up and let him pace.

"I have a daughter who thinks I'm a monster and I have a…you…who won't forgive me but then again when is that new with you?"

"Hey-"

She flinched as Castiel yanked the tableside lamp from the socket and flung it at the wall, leaving a huge dent in the drywall. "I have done nothing but try and fix things. Why me? Why do I have to deal with you and Nyx?" She hadn't really ever heard Castiel shout, but the seraph's anger was like fire. She felt herself start to get too warm and saw the lights start to flicker.

"Castiel…"

"Why did I have to love you?"

She watched him turn away from her, the pressure and heat radiating off him was starting to subside.

"I'm sorry," he said finally.

"It's fine."

"It's not fine, Meg. Nothing is fine."

She watched him shrug his shoulders as if angrily trying to reel in giant wings. "I'm going to check Nyx and see if Dean needs anything."

She watched him go, no bothering to stop him. And why should she? Swallowing down that rising feeling of pity she stood from the worn couch and made her way to anywhere but there.


End file.
